The other day, I was deciding on what to wear when my four year old came into my room and climbed up on my bed, just watching me. After a few minutes he said, "Mommy, your tummy is fat. Maybe you're having another baby!" . . . Thanks Blake. No, we're not pregnant. But, it got me thinking about our family of boys and how badly I want a daughter but how difficult it would be to have five littles (for a while anyway) and the financial aspect of it all and that by the time they're all out of the house and on their own, Glen and I will be ready to retire. Well, maybe not quite but, close. We've had the conversation too many times to count and it always seems to go in this big circle. We both agree we'd love a little girl but, Glen has some fears about supporting another child through college and still being able to retire before he gets too far up there in years to enjoy it. He voices his concerns while still intently asking me what I think and I rant on and on about how I loooooove our boys and all the fun we have and how easy they are (L I T E R A L L Y so easy) but that I just feel like I'm missing out on something. I don't regret our decision do adopt our oldest, not for a minute. And I have such a special bond with each of our boys, I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. But, feeling the way I do for them, I just get all misty eyed thinking of experiencing that with a daughter.
Above all, I know that the Lord is in control and His plan is so perfect. He knows just what our family needs and His timing is ALWAYS right. And I trust Him. I feel so blessed to be living this life, mothering these boys and experiencing through it all his gentle direction and leading. Whatever I'm feeling, He knows. Whatever anxiety I have about what the future holds, He knows. He's right there with me and He has the perfect answer if I'll only just listen. In the silence of waiting and the deafening thoughts that seem to rush through my mind all. the. time. He knows. Sometimes it's hard for me to be still and wait for Him. Sometimes I just want an answer on my time and to feel that instant gratification.
Then, sometimes, you're presented with an unbelievable opportunity and are led to believe that it is exactly what you've been waiting for only to find out that it was never really what you thought it was. Not really. And you're crushed. But, somewhere down inside, you hold onto a small amount of hope that the situation will turn around before it's too late and so, it's hard to grieve. You realize it probably won't come to fruition but, there's a chance it may so you cling to it. Will it work out? I don't know. Will I ever be ready to share here if it doesn't? I don't know. But, I do know that the Lord is in control of that too. He's with me and He won't leave me no matter what happens.
It's hard to know exactly what the Lord would have us to do though. Even more so when you've been in a similar situation before that you felt sure He was directing. And He was, just not in the way you had envisioned. So, when you again come face to face with an opportunity to change someone's life and, probably turn yours upside down as well, you hesitate. The thing is, I don't want to hesitate. I want to have complete trust in His plan and the fact that He has ONLY good planned for me and ALL those that love Him.
Our boys have been talking non stop about babies lately. I'm not sure if that's a sign that we should be gearing up for a change or because I've been doing so many newborn sessions. But, I (maybe not so secretly) hope it's the latter. Seriously though, I've always felt like F I V E is my number. I really think it would be so much fun to have five kiddos, despite the difficulties, and that it would be truly amazing to experience. Ultimately, God knows the desires of our hearts and I know that if I just give them to Him, He will do so much more than I ever could. So, for now, I'll do my best to just go with it and trust that the Lord has something incredible planned. Happy weekend friends!!!
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